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La Canción De Mi Corazon

{ January 25, 2008 @ 10:27 pm } · { love, ronald }
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There is the inexplicable uncertainty in life that lingers… it comes and it goes… but it never leaves without a trace of life-changing lessons. What is there? Beyond the trees, in between the mountains of sadness? Will there be hope in sickness and death? Will love find it’s way back to you after the so-called long and winding road of finding itself?

I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I’m dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

The need to find thyself–will it ever be a perfect reason, an acceptable reason even, for someone to let you go? Isn’t relationships supposed to feel like you’re home?

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it’s been torn all apart
Billion words couldn’t say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be loving you still

Maybe I would, and maybe I will just forget that you ever breathed beside me. But there is an impossibility in the knowledge of forgetting. For when you breathed, you leave an imprint, like an indelible ink that never goes away.

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you’ll get over it” begin
I hear what you’re saying
But I swear that it’s not making sense
So when can I see you again?

In a month’s time, you will leave. Maybe you take with you my heart. But I beg for you to hold it in your palm, be afraid to let it fall and break. For time will only tell if I won’t have the courage to take it back from you. If you still do not want it in the future, put it in a little box, cover it in stamps and return it to me. I will understand. Like I always do.

Like I always will.

photo credit: padyak
babyface’s nobody knows it but me & when can i see you again

recordé algo

{ September 15, 2007 @ 7:03 pm } · { favorites, ronald }
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i remembered something.

recordé el día en que hablamos de muerte. when you said that you can’t stand it if i died. you said, you’d like it if we died together. and you ask me, how you’d know if I’ve gone…

“pano kung di tayo magkasama? pano ko malalaman?”

“Hm… makakakita ka ng white rose… every corner… everywhere you looked, you’ll find white roses…”

“Ako… pag nauna ako sa yo, bigla na lang may babagsak sa harapan mong white feather. Out of nowhere.”

One time we fought. I forgot what it was about. And something happened to make us forget that we were mad at each other. I was in the classroom, he was outside waiting for my class to be over. Then, a note. He slipped a note through the window and had the note passed to me.

When I opened it, what I saw made my skin crawl. Una pluma blanca delicada.

“This dropped in front of me out of nowhere.”

Just imagine, on the highest floor of the building. He was sitting with his back on the window. And a white feather drops on his lap.

When class was over, I said…

“Doesn’t count. It dropped in front of you, not me. You’re a bad boy. You won’t die yet.”

I dont know what else to do
So I cry
And nobody hears me, I cry
It`s my only solution, I cry
Through all this confusion, I cry
With all of my heart, I cry
–I Cry, Yuri Chika

Madonna – If You F…

“If You Forget Me”

I want you to know one thing
You know how this is

If I look at the crystal moon
At the red branch of the slow autumn at my window
If I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
Or the wrinkled body of the log
Everything carries me to you
As if everything that exists – aromas, light, metals
Were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me

Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land

But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me
With implacable sweetness
If each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me
Ahh my love, ahh my own, in me all that fire is repeated
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten
My love feeds on your love, beloved
And as long as you live, it will be in your arms without leaving mine

 "Si Tu Me Olvidas"By Pablo Neruda

Quiero que sepasuna cosa.

Tú sabes cómo es esto:si mirola luna de cristal, la rama rojadel lento otoño en mi ventana,si tocojunto al fuegola impalpable cenizao el arrugado cuerpo de la leña,todo me lleva a ti,como si todo lo que existe:aromas, luz, metales,fueran pequeños barcos que naveganhacia las islas tuyas que me aguardan.

Ahora bien,si poco a poco dejas de querermedejaré de quererte poco a poco.

Si de prontome olvidasno me busques,que ya te habré olvidado.

Si consideras largo y locoel viento de banderasque pasa por mi viday te decidesa dejarme a la orilladel corazón en que tengo raíces,piensaque en esa día,a esa horalevantaré los brazosy saldrán mis raícesa buscar otra tierra.

Perosi cada día,cada hora,sientes que a mí estás destinadacon dulzura implacable,si cada día subeuna flor a tus labios a buscarme,ay amor mío, ay mía,en mí todo ese fuego se repite,en mí nada se apaga ni se olvida,mi amor se nutre de tu amor, amada,y mientras vivas estará en tus brazossin salir de los míos.

cannonball

{ August 17, 2007 @ 10:31 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what’s going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven’t kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me so close
that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
and love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it’s not hard to fall
and i don’t wanna scare her
it’s not hard to fall
and i don’t wanna lose
it’s not hard to grow
when you know that you just don’t know

Damien Rice – Cann…

cannonball

{ August 17, 2007 @ 10:31 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what’s going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven’t kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me so close
that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

Damien Rice – Cann…

sniff

{ August 13, 2007 @ 10:29 pm } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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Noong akwatro, dapat 16 years na kami ni Daduds. Sayang, noh? Pero, wala eh. This time, siguro kasalanan ko. Ewan ko. Basta wala namang malawakang away eh. Konting tampuhan. Eh nasabi kong ayoko na. Ayun! Dinibdib. Sa tingin ko eh matagal ng nagtsatsaga. Nung nasabi ko yun, nakahinga ng maluwag… sabi niya siguro, “finally! a way out!”. naghihintay na ako magsabi, para di siya ang masisi this time. Hay…

Nagsisisi ba ko? Ewan. Siguro. Pare, tagal din ng 16 years. Kahit napakaraming away. Mga masasakit na nangyari. Mahal ko naman siya.

Kaya nagdadaan pa rin ang mga gabi na nakakatulog akong nahikbi. Wala kasi akong katabi sa pagtulog. Kahit ba malakas siyang humilik. Kahit ba utot siya ng utot sa umaga pag gising niya. Namimiss ko pa rin siya.

And sometimes, he’s not helping! Kasi nagtetext pa rin, tumatawag, nakikita ko pa rin siya. Pano kaya ako makakamove-on? Isa lang kelangan ko para makalimutan ko siya eh… new love. Pero, pano? Parang ang simple. Parang meron pa.

Here’s to living alone for the rest of my life, then.

Profyle
I won’t cry

You came and got your things today
I parked your car, I watched you drive away
I cried so many tears that day
It burned my face, it felt like acid rain

I know I can’t keep lying to myself
I said to be content with someone else
I know I never had to face the pain, baby baby

I won’t cry no more, I won’t drown in my tears
I wont die no more, I got over my fears
and i’m moving on, girl I know what to do
coz i’m better off without you
and we both know that it’s true.

it’s gonna take a little time, to stick in my mind
the fact you’re gone for good
coz when you said you’re leavin’ me, I heard it before
I never really thought you would

baby I should be glad that you’re gone away
I know the pain would not be here to stay
if I could only fool myself, maybe baby.

that I won’t cry, i’m movin’ on

I know it’s hard enough to fall in and out of love
but when something is gone, keep holding on
will only break yo’re heart

so why won’t play the fool, by begging you to stay
I wanna keep it inside, til you’re out of sight
maybe that way

i’m better off without you
and we both know that it’s true

and we both know that it’s true…

ay lab yu…

{ May 11, 2007 @ 2:08 pm } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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isang umaga, tumawag si mister–

“nasan yung tatlo?”

“nasa baba, tulog pa yung isa.”

nabigla si misis sa sumunod na narinig–

“ay lab yu!”

“aha… aha… ahahahahaha! di nga?”
“Joke!”

“Gago ka!”
“hahaha! o, sige na…”

bago ibaba–

“ay lab yu!”

ay lab yu…

{ May 11, 2007 @ 2:08 pm } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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isang umaga, tumawag si mister–

“nasan yung tatlo?”

“nasa baba, tulog pa yung isa.”

nabigla si misis sa sumunod na narinig–

“ay lab yu!”

“aha… aha… ahahahahaha! di nga?”
“Joke!”

“Gago ka!”
“hahaha! o, sige na…”

bago ibaba–

“ay lab yu!”

Underneath The Stars

{ February 20, 2007 @ 7:26 am } · { favorites, love, ronald, songs }
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“As we drifted to another place and time

And the feeling was so heady and sublime

As I lost my heart to you there in the dark

Underneath the stars…”

I grew up as a very loving person. I’m a sensitive, crybaby, who cannot stand watching gruesome movies and cringes at the sight of bugs and spiders.

Sometimes, I drink coffee in the middle of the night and watch the stars in the veranda. I dream of castles and long hairs being thrown down the window, whilst my knight in shining armor comes down the vine-engulfed terrain, swishing and swashing them with his sword, to come up and rescue me.

I am trapped in a body that cannot easily distinguish reality from abstract dreams. Sometimes, I have to shake my head terribly just to keep my focus on earth and its grave truths.

Am I alone on my quest to live a happily-ever-after life, even once upon a time?

I am in love. To the possibility of someone loving me the way I wanted him to.

The man I married is not exactly the one I grew old and happy with. He doesn’t take my hand when we cross the street. He doesn’t cuddle with me at night; he doesn’t share my cup of coffee at the veranda when I take time to look at the stars. He was not exactly the one I thought was my sword-brandishing knight.

To say that I am happy with my married life will be a lie. I am not, and I am not sure if I’ll ever be. I don’t even know if it’s really him, or if it’s just… all me.

I just want what all wives want… a house with a garden, children, food on the table, money to pay for the bills. And at the end of the day, a husband who comes home with kiss-ready lips and wide hug-ready arms.

Once or twice a month dates, a single rose without any reason, a black lingerie wrapped in gold during your anniversaries. Flower petals carelessly strewn on your bed. Both of you lying on the grass hand-in hand, watching the constellations. Or just a movie and a cup of coffee afterwards… where we talk about the days we had, the fights I had with the kids, and his god-awful day at the office.

You know that one scene in almost all those love stories? The one where this woman looks out the veranda, wearing a chiffon with the wind blowing on her face, and then her man embraces her from behind? I want that. I envy that.

But I don’t have it. I felt important once before. And God, how I missed it.

I missed happiness, even in disguise.

When my mother and I watch sappy movies, she always asks me, what’s up with that? It’s not as if you’ll die if you do not have a man by your side. It’s not as if men are all important.

Just like what Jen Aniston said on Rumor Has It, “I can live without you… I just don’t want to.”

That’s just how I feel, too. I can live without a man, that’s for sure. Even with this one, in particular. But, the problem is and has always been that—I don’t want to.

He’s got nothing special going on for him. Sure, he’s employed with benefits; he’s a good cook; he’s good-looking and most girls look at him like he’s Leonardo DiCaprio. But it stops there.

So why am I still in this relationship, trapped in a tower where the knight is the one who’s holding me captive? Will it always be because of the children?

Maybe there won’t be a happily-ever-after in this relationship. Maybe, I really am alone on a quest for the right love.

As I sip my cup of coffee in the veranda, my computer on sleep mode waiting for me, I look at the stars again, and I shake my head in frustration. There will be no answers, but maybe, there is hope.

For now, I’ll have to settle for once upon a time… underneath the stars.

PS:

Underneath The Stars, sung and written by Mariah in 1996. I only heard it for the first time about 2 days ago, and instantly fell in love with it. This made me decide that I heart Mariah. *clap, clap* two thumbs way way up.

I had a Techno Date on Valentine’s Day

{ February 15, 2007 @ 10:24 pm } · { nonsense, ronald }
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Probably the best Valentine’s Day I had without a romantic date was today. My Aunt, Tita Lina, gave me an Acer Aspire 5100 Widescreen Notebook PC.

I guess getting dreadfully sick has great rewards, too.

And I mean not only the material things.

There’s love and care from people that I have taken for granted… from people that I thought has come and gone from my so-called life.

Of course, I had my share of disappointments every Valentine’s day. I rarely had a date from him. I get a single rose or a cake sometimes, but not a romantic movie/concert-dinner date.

I have been dreaming of one, I guess. The kind where he goes to a lot of painstaking processes just to reserve a place… soulful music is playing from the background… we’re dressed in nice clothes… that sort of date.

Even for once in my life.

Bugger. I’m 32 and I’m still a dreamer.

Oh well, maybe someday.

Speaking of Someday… Isn’t Nina’s song the most tearful song ever? If you haven’t heard of it, you’d better grab a copy of her CD… or, well, steal one. *haha*

Anyway, even if I didn’t have that dream date, I am still happy… Coz one of my dreams has come true.

mga usap-usapan

{ November 11, 2006 @ 5:15 pm } · { Tony, anea, death, favorites, ronald }
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Kumain kami noon sa isang Bulaluhan sa Evangelista… si Letku, gusto na agad uminom ng sopdrinks, eh ayaw siyang payagan ni Dada.

“Kumain ka muna.” sabi nito.

Maya-maya…

Dada : Letku, kuha ka ngang tissue.

(di siya pinansin ni Letku… may pairap-irap pa.)

Dada : Cge na, Letku, nasa likod mo lang. Baka magalit si Dada, cge.

(di pa rin siya pinansin ni Letku… halatang pikon na si Dada, pero nasa labas kasi kami, kaya parang di niya makuhang magalit… kaya…)

Dada : Bochog, kumuha ka na nga ng tissue, bilisan mo na, baka ano pa magawa ko.

(lapit ako kay Dada at nakangiting bumulong…)

Ako : Cge nga, ano’ng gagawin mo?

Dada : Eh di, ako na kukuha.

ang tapang, noh?

~oOo~

Kanina, inaasar ko si Bochog habang nagbabasa siya ng libro. Kinikiliti ko, kinakagat, at siyempre, kinukurot.

Pagkatapos ng kulitan, naging seryoso ako at tinanong si Bochog:

“Pano kung namatay na ko, tapos, nagpakita ako sa iyo dito sa kwarto, nakaputi… ano’ng gagawin mo? kakausapin mo ba ko?”

Bochog : Oo.

(Waw… ang tapang ng anak ko.)

Ako : Ano’ng sasabihin mo sa kin?

(iniisip ko na maglilitanya siya ng mga magagandang salita at iiyak… pero…)

Bochog : Nag-Tide ka?

Lagot sa ‘kin ‘to ‘pag nagkataon.

~oOo~

At eto naman daw ang nakalagay sa dyaryo pag namatay na ako:

‘What will your obituary say?’ at QuizGalaxy.com

at eto naman sa lapida ko:

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

mga usap-usapan

{ November 11, 2006 @ 5:15 pm } · { Tony, anea, death, favorites, ronald }
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Kumain kami noon sa isang Bulaluhan sa Evangelista… si Letku, gusto na agad uminom ng sopdrinks, eh ayaw siyang payagan ni Dada.

“Kumain ka muna.” sabi nito.

Maya-maya…

Dada : Letku, kuha ka ngang tissue.

(di siya pinansin ni Letku… may pairap-irap pa.)

Dada : Cge na, Letku, nasa likod mo lang. Baka magalit si Dada, cge.

(di pa rin siya pinansin ni Letku… halatang pikon na si Dada, pero nasa labas kasi kami, kaya parang di niya makuhang magalit… kaya…)

Dada : Bochog, kumuha ka na nga ng tissue, bilisan mo na, baka ano pa magawa ko.

(lapit ako kay Dada at nakangiting bumulong…)

Ako : Cge nga, ano’ng gagawin mo?

Dada : Eh di, ako na kukuha.

ang tapang, noh?

~oOo~

Kanina, inaasar ko si Bochog habang nagbabasa siya ng libro. Kinikiliti ko, kinakagat, at siyempre, kinukurot.

Pagkatapos ng kulitan, naging seryoso ako at tinanong si Bochog:

“Pano kung namatay na ko, tapos, nagpakita ako sa iyo dito sa kwarto, nakaputi… ano’ng gagawin mo? kakausapin mo ba ko?”

Bochog : Oo.

(Waw… ang tapang ng anak ko.)

Ako : Ano’ng sasabihin mo sa kin?

(iniisip ko na maglilitanya siya ng mga magagandang salita at iiyak… pero…)

Bochog : Nag-Tide ka?

Lagot sa ‘kin ‘to ‘pag nagkataon.

~oOo~

At eto naman daw ang nakalagay sa dyaryo pag namatay na ako:

‘What will your obituary say?’ at QuizGalaxy.com

at eto naman sa lapida ko:

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

was it a waste?

{ July 31, 2006 @ 8:21 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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if i look back 15 years ago, i’d probably see nothing but heartache and pain.

probably, but not quite.

you see, 15 years ago, August 4, 1991… i said yes to a guy whom i am now married and have 3 wonderful kids with.

he was a neighbor that i had a crush on since i was in grade school… he’s good-looking kasi. he was lanky, but with nice eyes and nose… hay… everytime i see him, i’d melt.

i remember he had a girlfriend then… i guess they were inseparable since elementary days in school… she was a childhood sweetheart. they were on for 4 years, that i know of.

when i was in high school, i had my fair share of suitors… one of which was also a childhood buddy and was not bad-looking but i only had strong feelings for him more of a brother than that of something else. though, i might have said yes to him if i would’ve wanted. pickings were few, since i wasn’t the type that suitors will pile up at the door and bring flowers to.

my world was this street since i was born. my time, there was no Glorietta 4 to go to… no discos and parties that i was interested on… no celfones and texting… it was boring.

Nald and I became phonepals… that was how it started. My friends knew his phone number and as a group, we began calling him… then, we started getting to know each other, and he’d call me everyday. Not really talking. Not really saying something worthwhile. Just being there for each other.

I had a boyfriend then… he was my sister-in-law’s brother and he didn’t have a future.. didn’t even finish school, a mechanic of all sorts… now, he’s in maintenance in a hospital with a live-in partner with kids. i wish him well.

Nald had Clarissa, his girlfriend, but they were on a cool-off period at that time, I believe. It was a long period of getting calls and saying pleasantries… months of it, i guess. I felt I was already falling for the guy and started to lay-off him for a while, telling my mom to say that I was already asleep…

My brother who was a friend of his talked to him that time and asked him his intentions since they saw a change in me already… that they think i’m falling in love with him. He told me this once.

One day, I just had the courage to split up with my boyfriend… I cried, of course… I also felt love for this guy.

The next day, Nald called me up crying. Clarissa has broken up with her. He was heartbroken… truly hurt… that was when I knew that he loved her still and that i was merely someone he wanted to talk to… a friend.

Though i hurt seeing him hurting and crying to me, i put up a strong front… i even talked to his girlfriend who already guessed i have feelings for him and she was the one who told me that Nald is a good man, and we could be good for each other. Clarissa and I were even going to the same school then during college. I couldn’t stand it, so I dropped out of school.

I enrolled in STI Taft for computer courses for a year. That was when Nald started approaching me differently. He was going to a nursing school. He asked for one date where we ate at SM foodcourt and he bought a book.

He told me his feelings on the fone when i was in my cousin’s house. And I said yes. I didn’t hesitate. After that I felt stupid. I thought, i should’ve asked for more time… that was the proper thing for a girl to do… but I didn’t. Stupid.

Heart over mind.

So, that was what happened. I had a boyfriend again. We started going out. He’d visit me and wait for me after school.. We’d talk on the fone… my parents knew about this after a week or two… it was fine… he can openly and freely come to the house to visit.

Every month, he’d cook for my family during our anniversary. We came to know different kinds of food coz he likes to cook really. We were happy and sad together.

We fight almost everyday but we can’t keep away from each other… We always patch things up before the day ends. I always give him notes and little things…

When I finally enrolled in Letran, he had to transfer there coz they found something in his heart that he can’t continue studying nursing in school. He took the same course. We were classmates. My world revolved around him. Literally. We do everything together. We cannot be seen without the other.

Problems started to arise. Women on the loose. We fought like husband and wife. We started to lose our respect for one another. I was blinded by my love for him that I didn’t see that he was fooling around. Our classmates knew of this, and I didn’t.

It was my brother’s birthday when everything changed. I found out I was pregnant. I went home early and bought a kit. He called me from school and he went home after I told him.. We thought of everything, even abortion. He even went to a classmate who knew of where to go… When he came home to tell me not to do it, I already made a decision not to. It was like i felt cold water being thrown at me and waking me up… telling me, it’s a baby. Your baby.

We told his mom first. Then we had a check-up. It was positive. I really was pregnant. We told Dad who laughed at me. I told mom the next day… She didn’t look at me.. She didn’t slap me… She didn’t talk to me for a week.

Nald talked to him telling her that he would marry me, and my mom told him… kung libog lang yan, wag mo ng pakasalanan anak ko. kaya kong buhayin yan pati magiging anak niyo.

He cried and told my mom that he loves me and will take full responsibility for our actions.

The wedding was prepared. We married at Malate Church on April 18, 1995. Nald even wept. I said some blunders on the altar. I even told him, don’t cry… isipin naman nila pinikot kita… sabi niya, kasi ngayon ko lang nakita Daddy mo na naiyak… and my dad was indeed crying.

We stayed in their house for a while. but everyday, i’d still go home to my mom… i couldn’t stand it there. I’d just go home when Nald is home.. We continued our studies since it was our last year… we were graduating… i went to school pregnant. I just took a leave when i gave birth, just in time for sembreak. I even graduated with Academic Distinction, if it weren’t for the line of 7 i got in Taxation, i would’ve graduated Cum Laude.

I had Anea on October 18, 1995… i had a difficult delivery coz she wouldn’t want to come out… i was induced for 2 days to no avail… i had an xray, and they saw that my pelvic bones wouldn’t budge… so i was on Cesarian operation. i gave birth in a public hospital near our house in a ward. That time, you wouldn’t imagine how filthy and dirty everything was… but i endured.

Nald took care of me… and our baby… i stayed in my mom’s house.

There was a lot that happened after that. A lot of heartaches… I do not recall everything, or I just choose not to remember anymore. They involve women, and everything in between… There were issues of irresponsibilities and attitude and physical abuse.

The one time that really struck me was Marika… i even met her, even talked to her and almost begged her to stop seeing Nald. Nald has loved her and wanted to leave me for her. I tried winning him back for 2 months and then I gave up. I started going out, meeting new people. I guess he noticed this and realized that I could do the things he was also doing and he came back… I wouldn’t want to but my father got in the way.

Everytime we would fight a major fight and get back together, we’d have a baby. Dale (December 17, 1998) and Tony (January 17, 2001) were the fruits of my prayers that ah… He’s gonna change coz God is giving me this baby… You see, we didn’t have any birth control that really stuck with us for good… i was on the pill sometimes, but didn’t get pregnant.

i even thought that maybe Dale’s condition can tighten our bonds together… but he’s still in denial over my son’s condition…

Change was elusive… i began thinking that maybe this was all my fault… i even doubted my abilities in bed. I thought, if i were just as experienced as all the women he was dating, maybe I could satisfy him better.

I don’t know what happened to us… it was just blurs of the past.

We even tried living in an apartment together… but we fought again… and this time, I was physically hurt. I had to leave the house.

We got back together, but not living together… I stayed in my parent’s house and he stayed in the apartment… he’s there until now. He’d just come here from time to time… check on the kids and me, sometimes sleep over…

That’s the set-up until now… it’s more than 2 years now since i left the apartment…

He’s starting to change, i know… I can see the changes now… it might’ve taken him 15 years to realize it… it might’ve taken this disease to make him see… he’s now cautious of how i feel… he’s now becoming more responsible, not only to his kids but to me in his own little way.

I am not going to say that everything was his fault. Every relationship requires two people. I had a lot of mistakes along the way… in a way, i have gotten ‘revenge’ over what he did to me… though ‘revenge’ is not the right word for them.

I am not sure if this relationship will endure… that our first promise of ‘four-ever’ will ever be that.

I am sure of one thing, though. Not everything is about us. There are 3 wonderful kids in between that’s holding us together, whatever other people say, our kids come first, and us last. That’s how it will always be.

There were a lot of lessons learned. But as everyone now knows, it’s stupid to get married for all the wrong reasons… but finding out good reasons to stay together is much better.

It is not important to dwell in the past now… but look into the future… even if it meant you wasted 15 years of your time getting ready for a new start.

Life is an adventure. Death is another one.

I think my life has yet to start.

p.s.
he’s cooking dinner for the whole family on August 4.