Archive for love

Rain… just go away.

{ September 26, 2008 @ 7:18 pm } · { anonymous, favorites, love, pain }
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If you think hard enough, some of the moments that captured
your senses will come back to you.

As I was sorting out my files, the rain noisily tapping on my window, drops of water coming down from my ceiling to my wet floor covered in scraps of paper, I came back to the times that I smelled the air exactly like how i’m smelling it now.

A day in Batangas… a day in Shangrila… a day in Tagaytay…

Previous trips with different people during different occasions.

What’s difficult is, together with the smell of rain, the hurt came back to haunt me. And it came back with a flood of tears.

I got up and went to the veranda… Looked up and wished there were stars that night. Stars always made me a little happy. But today, the rain clouds them. I felt alone. I shivered and crawled under the blanket, closed my eyes, and pretended that it was not rain that was tapping on my window… that I was shivering from a different kind of cold… I chose to think of it, for I know it wouldn’t bring back any memory.

As I drifted off to sleep, I tried to picture myself on top of a hill… twirling under all the glowing white…

It was snowing.

It did not rain today. But my floor’s still wet. My ceiling still gives out little drops of water every now and then. Much like how pain resides in your heart, and chooses opportunities like a change in weather to make itself known.

La Canción De Mi Corazon

{ January 25, 2008 @ 10:27 pm } · { love, ronald }
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There is the inexplicable uncertainty in life that lingers… it comes and it goes… but it never leaves without a trace of life-changing lessons. What is there? Beyond the trees, in between the mountains of sadness? Will there be hope in sickness and death? Will love find it’s way back to you after the so-called long and winding road of finding itself?

I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I’m dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

The need to find thyself–will it ever be a perfect reason, an acceptable reason even, for someone to let you go? Isn’t relationships supposed to feel like you’re home?

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it’s been torn all apart
Billion words couldn’t say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be loving you still

Maybe I would, and maybe I will just forget that you ever breathed beside me. But there is an impossibility in the knowledge of forgetting. For when you breathed, you leave an imprint, like an indelible ink that never goes away.

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you’ll get over it” begin
I hear what you’re saying
But I swear that it’s not making sense
So when can I see you again?

In a month’s time, you will leave. Maybe you take with you my heart. But I beg for you to hold it in your palm, be afraid to let it fall and break. For time will only tell if I won’t have the courage to take it back from you. If you still do not want it in the future, put it in a little box, cover it in stamps and return it to me. I will understand. Like I always do.

Like I always will.

photo credit: padyak
babyface’s nobody knows it but me & when can i see you again

La Canción De Mi Corazon

{ January 25, 2008 @ 10:27 pm } · { him, love }
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There is the inexplicable uncertainty in life that lingers… it comes and it goes… but it never leaves without a trace of life-changing lessons. What is there? Beyond the trees, in between the mountains of sadness? Will there be hope in sickness and death? Will love find it’s way back to you after the so-called long and winding road of finding itself?

I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I’m dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

The need to find thyself–will it ever be a perfect reason, an acceptable reason even, for someone to let you go? Isn’t relationships supposed to feel like you’re home?

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it’s been torn all apart
Billion words couldn’t say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be loving you still

Maybe I would, and maybe I will just forget that you ever breathed beside me. But there is an impossibility in the knowledge of forgetting. For when you breathed, you leave an imprint, like an indelible ink that never goes away.

When can my heart beat again
When does the pain ever end
When do the tears stop from running over
When does “you’ll get over it” begin
I hear what you’re saying
But I swear that it’s not making sense
So when can I see you again?

In a month’s time, you will leave. Maybe you take with you my heart. But I beg for you to hold it in your palm, be afraid to let it fall and break. For time will only tell if I won’t have the courage to take it back from you. If you still do not want it in the future, put it in a little box, cover it in stamps and return it to me. I will understand. Like I always do.

Like I always will.

photo credit: padyak
babyface’s nobody knows it but me & when can i see you again

cannonball

{ August 17, 2007 @ 10:31 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what’s going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven’t kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me so close
that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
and love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it’s not hard to fall
and i don’t wanna scare her
it’s not hard to fall
and i don’t wanna lose
it’s not hard to grow
when you know that you just don’t know

Damien Rice – Cann…

cannonball

{ August 17, 2007 @ 10:31 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what’s going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven’t kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me so close
that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it’s not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
and love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it’s not hard to fall
and i don’t wanna scare her
it’s not hard to fall
and i don’t wanna lose
it’s not hard to grow
when you know that you just don’t know

Damien Rice – Cann…

*sniff*

{ August 13, 2007 @ 10:29 pm } · { favorites, love, ronald }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

Noong akwatro, dapat 16 years na kami ni Daduds. Sayang, noh? Pero, wala eh. This time, siguro kasalanan ko. Ewan ko. Basta wala namang malawakang away eh. Konting tampuhan. Eh nasabi kong ayoko na. Ayun! Dinibdib. Sa tingin ko eh matagal ng nagtsatsaga. Nung nasabi ko yun, nakahinga ng maluwag… sabi niya siguro, “finally! a way out!”. naghihintay na ako magsabi, para di siya ang masisi this time. Hay…

Nagsisisi ba ko? Ewan. Siguro. Pare, tagal din ng 16 years. Kahit napakaraming away. Mga masasakit na nangyari. Mahal ko naman siya.

Kaya nagdadaan pa rin ang mga gabi na nakakatulog akong nahikbi. Wala kasi akong katabi sa pagtulog. Kahit ba malakas siyang humilik. Kahit ba utot siya ng utot sa umaga pag gising niya. Namimiss ko pa rin siya.

And sometimes, he’s not helping! Kasi nagtetext pa rin, tumatawag, nakikita ko pa rin siya. Pano kaya ako makakamove-on? Isa lang kelangan ko para makalimutan ko siya eh… new love. Pero, pano? Parang ang simple. Parang meron pa.

Here’s to living alone for the rest of my life, then.

Profyle
I won’t cry

You came and got your things today
I parked your car, I watched you drive away
I cried so many tears that day
It burned my face, it felt like acid rain

I know I can’t keep lying to myself
I said to be content with someone else
I know I never had to face the pain, baby baby

I won’t cry no more, I won’t drown in my tears
I wont die no more, I got over my fears
and i’m moving on, girl I know what to do
coz i’m better off without you
and we both know that it’s true.

it’s gonna take a little time, to stick in my mind
the fact you’re gone for good
coz when you said you’re leavin’ me, I heard it before
I never really thought you would

baby I should be glad that you’re gone away
I know the pain would not be here to stay
if I could only fool myself, maybe baby.

that I won’t cry, i’m movin’ on

I know it’s hard enough to fall in and out of love
but when something is gone, keep holding on
will only break yo’re heart

so why won’t play the fool, by begging you to stay
I wanna keep it inside, til you’re out of sight
maybe that way

i’m better off without you
and we both know that it’s true

and we both know that it’s true…

you and me

{ June 11, 2007 @ 1:56 am } · { anonymous, favorites, love }
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i wrote this… just now, i wrote this… this… i dunno what to call it. jeez, i think i’m high on something… and of the many pills i’m taking, i dunno which one i’m high on.

3 guesses on whom this is for… coz i’m sure as *bleep* have no idea.

see? i’m definitely high. either that, or i’m PMS-ing.




“Cause it’s you and me and all other people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
 And it’s you and me and all other people
 And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you”

i dream.

my only medium of finding happiness, of looking into its eyes, and gazing into its depths… remembering every word typed, every smiley ever thought that could convey current emotions… being dazzled by a set of white teeth that i rarely see, because a smile was rarely given… being befuddled by the wisdom that comes from a kindred spirit who has chosen to forget that i existed… but accordingly, it was known, that my presence is in its very heart often.

now, the days of dreaming has begun again… thoughts of what-ifs and crazy days up South, sleeping in the back of a cold, long vehicle… my head resting on my dream’s shoulder, waiting never to wake up. waiting never to breathe. as if by breathing, my dream world will shatter and i’ll find myself in tatters and in pieces, and impossible to regain consciousness… waiting and wanting… to be molded in the curve of my dream’s arms, mindful of every heartbeat, every breath, every sigh, and every tingle.

tonight, i shall dream once again. to travel within my soul. to trap happiness in a bottle, and drink it when i’m awake, barren, and empty.

i shall go where i can swim without drowning, drive without knowing how, and breathe without ever having to stop.

 i shall go tonight. will you meet me there?

p.s.
if you are going to meet me in my dreams, make sure you bring coffee.

you and me

{ June 11, 2007 @ 1:56 am } · { anonymous, favorites, love }
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i wrote this… just now, i wrote this… this… i dunno what to call it. jeez, i think i’m high on something… and of the many pills i’m taking, i dunno which one i’m high on.

3 guesses on whom this is for… coz i’m sure as *bleep* have no idea.

see? i’m definitely high. either that, or i’m PMS-ing.




“Cause it’s you and me and all other people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
 And it’s you and me and all other people
 And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you”

i dream.

my only medium of finding happiness, of looking into its eyes, and gazing into its depths… remembering every word typed, every smiley ever thought that could convey current emotions… being dazzled by a set of white teeth that i rarely see, because a smile was rarely given… being befuddled by the wisdom that comes from a kindred spirit who has chosen to forget that i existed… but accordingly, it was known, that my presence is in its very heart often.

now, the days of dreaming has begun again… thoughts of what-ifs and crazy days up South, sleeping in the back of a cold, long vehicle… my head resting on my dream’s shoulder, waiting never to wake up. waiting never to breathe. as if by breathing, my dream world will shatter and i’ll find myself in tatters and in pieces, and impossible to regain consciousness… waiting and wanting… to be molded in the curve of my dream’s arms, mindful of every heartbeat, every breath, every sigh, and every tingle.

tonight, i shall dream once again. to travel within my soul. to trap happiness in a bottle, and drink it when i’m awake, barren, and empty.

i shall go where i can swim without drowning, drive without knowing how, and breathe without ever having to stop.

 i shall go tonight. will you meet me there?

p.s.
if you are going to meet me in my dreams, make sure you bring coffee.

ay lab yu…

{ May 11, 2007 @ 2:08 pm } · { favorites, love, ronald }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

isang umaga, tumawag si mister–

“nasan yung tatlo?”

“nasa baba, tulog pa yung isa.”

nabigla si misis sa sumunod na narinig–

“ay lab yu!”

“aha… aha… ahahahahaha! di nga?”
“Joke!”

“Gago ka!”
“hahaha! o, sige na…”

bago ibaba–

“ay lab yu!”

ay lab yu…

{ May 11, 2007 @ 2:08 pm } · { favorites, love, ronald }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

isang umaga, tumawag si mister–

“nasan yung tatlo?”

“nasa baba, tulog pa yung isa.”

nabigla si misis sa sumunod na narinig–

“ay lab yu!”

“aha… aha… ahahahahaha! di nga?”
“Joke!”

“Gago ka!”
“hahaha! o, sige na…”

bago ibaba–

“ay lab yu!”

Underneath The Stars

{ February 20, 2007 @ 7:26 am } · { favorites, love, ronald, songs }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

“As we drifted to another place and time

And the feeling was so heady and sublime

As I lost my heart to you there in the dark

Underneath the stars…”

I grew up as a very loving person. I’m a sensitive, crybaby, who cannot stand watching gruesome movies and cringes at the sight of bugs and spiders.

Sometimes, I drink coffee in the middle of the night and watch the stars in the veranda. I dream of castles and long hairs being thrown down the window, whilst my knight in shining armor comes down the vine-engulfed terrain, swishing and swashing them with his sword, to come up and rescue me.

I am trapped in a body that cannot easily distinguish reality from abstract dreams. Sometimes, I have to shake my head terribly just to keep my focus on earth and its grave truths.

Am I alone on my quest to live a happily-ever-after life, even once upon a time?

I am in love. To the possibility of someone loving me the way I wanted him to.

The man I married is not exactly the one I grew old and happy with. He doesn’t take my hand when we cross the street. He doesn’t cuddle with me at night; he doesn’t share my cup of coffee at the veranda when I take time to look at the stars. He was not exactly the one I thought was my sword-brandishing knight.

To say that I am happy with my married life will be a lie. I am not, and I am not sure if I’ll ever be. I don’t even know if it’s really him, or if it’s just… all me.

I just want what all wives want… a house with a garden, children, food on the table, money to pay for the bills. And at the end of the day, a husband who comes home with kiss-ready lips and wide hug-ready arms.

Once or twice a month dates, a single rose without any reason, a black lingerie wrapped in gold during your anniversaries. Flower petals carelessly strewn on your bed. Both of you lying on the grass hand-in hand, watching the constellations. Or just a movie and a cup of coffee afterwards… where we talk about the days we had, the fights I had with the kids, and his god-awful day at the office.

You know that one scene in almost all those love stories? The one where this woman looks out the veranda, wearing a chiffon with the wind blowing on her face, and then her man embraces her from behind? I want that. I envy that.

But I don’t have it. I felt important once before. And God, how I missed it.

I missed happiness, even in disguise.

When my mother and I watch sappy movies, she always asks me, what’s up with that? It’s not as if you’ll die if you do not have a man by your side. It’s not as if men are all important.

Just like what Jen Aniston said on Rumor Has It, “I can live without you… I just don’t want to.”

That’s just how I feel, too. I can live without a man, that’s for sure. Even with this one, in particular. But, the problem is and has always been that—I don’t want to.

He’s got nothing special going on for him. Sure, he’s employed with benefits; he’s a good cook; he’s good-looking and most girls look at him like he’s Leonardo DiCaprio. But it stops there.

So why am I still in this relationship, trapped in a tower where the knight is the one who’s holding me captive? Will it always be because of the children?

Maybe there won’t be a happily-ever-after in this relationship. Maybe, I really am alone on a quest for the right love.

As I sip my cup of coffee in the veranda, my computer on sleep mode waiting for me, I look at the stars again, and I shake my head in frustration. There will be no answers, but maybe, there is hope.

For now, I’ll have to settle for once upon a time… underneath the stars.

PS:

Underneath The Stars, sung and written by Mariah in 1996. I only heard it for the first time about 2 days ago, and instantly fell in love with it. This made me decide that I heart Mariah. *clap, clap* two thumbs way way up.

Underneath The Stars

{ February 20, 2007 @ 7:26 am } · { favorites, love, songs }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

“As we drifted to another place and time

And the feeling was so heady and sublime

As I lost my heart to you there in the dark

Underneath the stars…”

I grew up as a very loving person. I’m a sensitive, crybaby, who cannot stand watching gruesome movies and cringes at the sight of bugs and spiders.

Sometimes, I drink coffee in the middle of the night and watch the stars in the veranda. I dream of castles and long hairs being thrown down the window, whilst my knight in shining armor comes down the vine-engulfed terrain, swishing and swashing them with his sword, to come up and rescue me.

I am trapped in a body that cannot easily distinguish reality from abstract dreams. Sometimes, I have to shake my head terribly just to keep my focus on earth and its grave truths.

Am I alone on my quest to live a happily-ever-after life, even once upon a time?

I am in love. To the possibility of someone loving me the way I wanted him to.

The man I married is not exactly the one I grew old and happy with. He doesn’t take my hand when we cross the street. He doesn’t cuddle with me at night; he doesn’t share my cup of coffee at the veranda when I take time to look at the stars. He was not exactly the one I thought was my sword-brandishing knight.

To say that I am happy with my married life will be a lie. I am not, and I am not sure if I’ll ever be. I don’t even know if it’s really him, or if it’s just… all me.

I just want what all wives want… a house with a garden, children, food on the table, money to pay for the bills. And at the end of the day, a husband who comes home with kiss-ready lips and wide hug-ready arms.

Once or twice a month dates, a single rose without any reason, a black lingerie wrapped in gold during your anniversaries. Flower petals carelessly strewn on your bed. Both of you lying on the grass hand-in hand, watching the constellations. Or just a movie and a cup of coffee afterwards… where we talk about the days we had, the fights I had with the kids, and his god-awful day at the office.

You know that one scene in almost all those love stories? The one where this woman looks out the veranda, wearing a chiffon with the wind blowing on her face, and then her man embraces her from behind? I want that. I envy that.

But I don’t have it. I felt important once before. And God, how I missed it.

I missed happiness, even in disguise.

When my mother and I watch sappy movies, she always asks me, what’s up with that? It’s not as if you’ll die if you do not have a man by your side. It’s not as if men are all important.

Just like what Jen Aniston said on Rumor Has It, “I can live without you… I just don’t want to.”

That’s just how I feel, too. I can live without a man, that’s for sure. Even with this one, in particular. But, the problem is and has always been that—I don’t want to.

He’s got nothing special going on for him. Sure, he’s employed with benefits; he’s a good cook; he’s good-looking and most girls look at him like he’s Leonardo DiCaprio. But it stops there.

So why am I still in this relationship, trapped in a tower where the knight is the one who’s holding me captive? Will it always be because of the children?

Maybe there won’t be a happily-ever-after in this relationship. Maybe, I really am alone on a quest for the right love.

As I sip my cup of coffee in the veranda, my computer on sleep mode waiting for me, I look at the stars again, and I shake my head in frustration. There will be no answers, but maybe, there is hope.

For now, I’ll have to settle for once upon a time… underneath the stars.

PS:

Underneath The Stars, sung and written by Mariah in 1996. I only heard it for the first time about 2 days ago, and instantly fell in love with it. This made me decide that I heart Mariah. *clap, clap* two thumbs way way up.

was it a waste?

{ July 31, 2006 @ 8:21 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
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if i look back 15 years ago, i’d probably see nothing but heartache and pain.

probably, but not quite.

you see, 15 years ago, August 4, 1991… i said yes to a guy whom i am now married and have 3 wonderful kids with.

he was a neighbor that i had a crush on since i was in grade school… he’s good-looking kasi. he was lanky, but with nice eyes and nose… hay… everytime i see him, i’d melt.

i remember he had a girlfriend then… i guess they were inseparable since elementary days in school… she was a childhood sweetheart. they were on for 4 years, that i know of.

when i was in high school, i had my fair share of suitors… one of which was also a childhood buddy and was not bad-looking but i only had strong feelings for him more of a brother than that of something else. though, i might have said yes to him if i would’ve wanted. pickings were few, since i wasn’t the type that suitors will pile up at the door and bring flowers to.

my world was this street since i was born. my time, there was no Glorietta 4 to go to… no discos and parties that i was interested on… no celfones and texting… it was boring.

Nald and I became phonepals… that was how it started. My friends knew his phone number and as a group, we began calling him… then, we started getting to know each other, and he’d call me everyday. Not really talking. Not really saying something worthwhile. Just being there for each other.

I had a boyfriend then… he was my sister-in-law’s brother and he didn’t have a future.. didn’t even finish school, a mechanic of all sorts… now, he’s in maintenance in a hospital with a live-in partner with kids. i wish him well.

Nald had Clarissa, his girlfriend, but they were on a cool-off period at that time, I believe. It was a long period of getting calls and saying pleasantries… months of it, i guess. I felt I was already falling for the guy and started to lay-off him for a while, telling my mom to say that I was already asleep…

My brother who was a friend of his talked to him that time and asked him his intentions since they saw a change in me already… that they think i’m falling in love with him. He told me this once.

One day, I just had the courage to split up with my boyfriend… I cried, of course… I also felt love for this guy.

The next day, Nald called me up crying. Clarissa has broken up with her. He was heartbroken… truly hurt… that was when I knew that he loved her still and that i was merely someone he wanted to talk to… a friend.

Though i hurt seeing him hurting and crying to me, i put up a strong front… i even talked to his girlfriend who already guessed i have feelings for him and she was the one who told me that Nald is a good man, and we could be good for each other. Clarissa and I were even going to the same school then during college. I couldn’t stand it, so I dropped out of school.

I enrolled in STI Taft for computer courses for a year. That was when Nald started approaching me differently. He was going to a nursing school. He asked for one date where we ate at SM foodcourt and he bought a book.

He told me his feelings on the fone when i was in my cousin’s house. And I said yes. I didn’t hesitate. After that I felt stupid. I thought, i should’ve asked for more time… that was the proper thing for a girl to do… but I didn’t. Stupid.

Heart over mind.

So, that was what happened. I had a boyfriend again. We started going out. He’d visit me and wait for me after school.. We’d talk on the fone… my parents knew about this after a week or two… it was fine… he can openly and freely come to the house to visit.

Every month, he’d cook for my family during our anniversary. We came to know different kinds of food coz he likes to cook really. We were happy and sad together.

We fight almost everyday but we can’t keep away from each other… We always patch things up before the day ends. I always give him notes and little things…

When I finally enrolled in Letran, he had to transfer there coz they found something in his heart that he can’t continue studying nursing in school. He took the same course. We were classmates. My world revolved around him. Literally. We do everything together. We cannot be seen without the other.

Problems started to arise. Women on the loose. We fought like husband and wife. We started to lose our respect for one another. I was blinded by my love for him that I didn’t see that he was fooling around. Our classmates knew of this, and I didn’t.

It was my brother’s birthday when everything changed. I found out I was pregnant. I went home early and bought a kit. He called me from school and he went home after I told him.. We thought of everything, even abortion. He even went to a classmate who knew of where to go… When he came home to tell me not to do it, I already made a decision not to. It was like i felt cold water being thrown at me and waking me up… telling me, it’s a baby. Your baby.

We told his mom first. Then we had a check-up. It was positive. I really was pregnant. We told Dad who laughed at me. I told mom the next day… She didn’t look at me.. She didn’t slap me… She didn’t talk to me for a week.

Nald talked to him telling her that he would marry me, and my mom told him… kung libog lang yan, wag mo ng pakasalanan anak ko. kaya kong buhayin yan pati magiging anak niyo.

He cried and told my mom that he loves me and will take full responsibility for our actions.

The wedding was prepared. We married at Malate Church on April 18, 1995. Nald even wept. I said some blunders on the altar. I even told him, don’t cry… isipin naman nila pinikot kita… sabi niya, kasi ngayon ko lang nakita Daddy mo na naiyak… and my dad was indeed crying.

We stayed in their house for a while. but everyday, i’d still go home to my mom… i couldn’t stand it there. I’d just go home when Nald is home.. We continued our studies since it was our last year… we were graduating… i went to school pregnant. I just took a leave when i gave birth, just in time for sembreak. I even graduated with Academic Distinction, if it weren’t for the line of 7 i got in Taxation, i would’ve graduated Cum Laude.

I had Anea on October 18, 1995… i had a difficult delivery coz she wouldn’t want to come out… i was induced for 2 days to no avail… i had an xray, and they saw that my pelvic bones wouldn’t budge… so i was on Cesarian operation. i gave birth in a public hospital near our house in a ward. That time, you wouldn’t imagine how filthy and dirty everything was… but i endured.

Nald took care of me… and our baby… i stayed in my mom’s house.

There was a lot that happened after that. A lot of heartaches… I do not recall everything, or I just choose not to remember anymore. They involve women, and everything in between… There were issues of irresponsibilities and attitude and physical abuse.

The one time that really struck me was Marika… i even met her, even talked to her and almost begged her to stop seeing Nald. Nald has loved her and wanted to leave me for her. I tried winning him back for 2 months and then I gave up. I started going out, meeting new people. I guess he noticed this and realized that I could do the things he was also doing and he came back… I wouldn’t want to but my father got in the way.

Everytime we would fight a major fight and get back together, we’d have a baby. Dale (December 17, 1998) and Tony (January 17, 2001) were the fruits of my prayers that ah… He’s gonna change coz God is giving me this baby… You see, we didn’t have any birth control that really stuck with us for good… i was on the pill sometimes, but didn’t get pregnant.

i even thought that maybe Dale’s condition can tighten our bonds together… but he’s still in denial over my son’s condition…

Change was elusive… i began thinking that maybe this was all my fault… i even doubted my abilities in bed. I thought, if i were just as experienced as all the women he was dating, maybe I could satisfy him better.

I don’t know what happened to us… it was just blurs of the past.

We even tried living in an apartment together… but we fought again… and this time, I was physically hurt. I had to leave the house.

We got back together, but not living together… I stayed in my parent’s house and he stayed in the apartment… he’s there until now. He’d just come here from time to time… check on the kids and me, sometimes sleep over…

That’s the set-up until now… it’s more than 2 years now since i left the apartment…

He’s starting to change, i know… I can see the changes now… it might’ve taken him 15 years to realize it… it might’ve taken this disease to make him see… he’s now cautious of how i feel… he’s now becoming more responsible, not only to his kids but to me in his own little way.

I am not going to say that everything was his fault. Every relationship requires two people. I had a lot of mistakes along the way… in a way, i have gotten ‘revenge’ over what he did to me… though ‘revenge’ is not the right word for them.

I am not sure if this relationship will endure… that our first promise of ‘four-ever’ will ever be that.

I am sure of one thing, though. Not everything is about us. There are 3 wonderful kids in between that’s holding us together, whatever other people say, our kids come first, and us last. That’s how it will always be.

There were a lot of lessons learned. But as everyone now knows, it’s stupid to get married for all the wrong reasons… but finding out good reasons to stay together is much better.

It is not important to dwell in the past now… but look into the future… even if it meant you wasted 15 years of your time getting ready for a new start.

Life is an adventure. Death is another one.

I think my life has yet to start.

p.s.
he’s cooking dinner for the whole family on August 4.

was it a waste?

{ July 31, 2006 @ 8:21 am } · { favorites, love, ronald }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

if i look back 15 years ago, i’d probably see nothing but heartache and pain.

probably, but not quite.

you see, 15 years ago, August 4, 1991… i said yes to a guy whom i am now married and have 3 wonderful kids with.

he was a neighbor that i had a crush on since i was in grade school… he’s good-looking kasi. he was lanky, but with nice eyes and nose… hay… everytime i see him, i’d melt.

i remember he had a girlfriend then… i guess they were inseparable since elementary days in school… she was a childhood sweetheart. they were on for 4 years, that i know of.

when i was in high school, i had my fair share of suitors… one of which was also a childhood buddy and was not bad-looking but i only had strong feelings for him more of a brother than that of something else. though, i might have said yes to him if i would’ve wanted. pickings were few, since i wasn’t the type that suitors will pile up at the door and bring flowers to.

my world was this street since i was born. my time, there was no Glorietta 4 to go to… no discos and parties that i was interested on… no celfones and texting… it was boring.

Nald and I became phonepals… that was how it started. My friends knew his phone number and as a group, we began calling him… then, we started getting to know each other, and he’d call me everyday. Not really talking. Not really saying something worthwhile. Just being there for each other.

I had a boyfriend then… he was my sister-in-law’s brother and he didn’t have a future.. didn’t even finish school, a mechanic of all sorts… now, he’s in maintenance in a hospital with a live-in partner with kids. i wish him well.

Nald had Clarissa, his girlfriend, but they were on a cool-off period at that time, I believe. It was a long period of getting calls and saying pleasantries… months of it, i guess. I felt I was already falling for the guy and started to lay-off him for a while, telling my mom to say that I was already asleep…

My brother who was a friend of his talked to him that time and asked him his intentions since they saw a change in me already… that they think i’m falling in love with him. He told me this once.

One day, I just had the courage to split up with my boyfriend… I cried, of course… I also felt love for this guy.

The next day, Nald called me up crying. Clarissa has broken up with her. He was heartbroken… truly hurt… that was when I knew that he loved her still and that i was merely someone he wanted to talk to… a friend.

Though i hurt seeing him hurting and crying to me, i put up a strong front… i even talked to his girlfriend who already guessed i have feelings for him and she was the one who told me that Nald is a good man, and we could be good for each other. Clarissa and I were even going to the same school then during college. I couldn’t stand it, so I dropped out of school.

I enrolled in STI Taft for computer courses for a year. That was when Nald started approaching me differently. He was going to a nursing school. He asked for one date where we ate at SM foodcourt and he bought a book.

He told me his feelings on the fone when i was in my cousin’s house. And I said yes. I didn’t hesitate. After that I felt stupid. I thought, i should’ve asked for more time… that was the proper thing for a girl to do… but I didn’t. Stupid.

Heart over mind.

So, that was what happened. I had a boyfriend again. We started going out. He’d visit me and wait for me after school.. We’d talk on the fone… my parents knew about this after a week or two… it was fine… he can openly and freely come to the house to visit.

Every month, he’d cook for my family during our anniversary. We came to know different kinds of food coz he likes to cook really. We were happy and sad together.

We fight almost everyday but we can’t keep away from each other… We always patch things up before the day ends. I always give him notes and little things…

When I finally enrolled in Letran, he had to transfer there coz they found something in his heart that he can’t continue studying nursing in school. He took the same course. We were classmates. My world revolved around him. Literally. We do everything together. We cannot be seen without the other.

Problems started to arise. Women on the loose. We fought like husband and wife. We started to lose our respect for one another. I was blinded by my love for him that I didn’t see that he was fooling around. Our classmates knew of this, and I didn’t.

It was my brother’s birthday when everything changed. I found out I was pregnant. I went home early and bought a kit. He called me from school and he went home after I told him.. We thought of everything, even abortion. He even went to a classmate who knew of where to go… When he came home to tell me not to do it, I already made a decision not to. It was like i felt cold water being thrown at me and waking me up… telling me, it’s a baby. Your baby.

We told his mom first. Then we had a check-up. It was positive. I really was pregnant. We told Dad who laughed at me. I told mom the next day… She didn’t look at me.. She didn’t slap me… She didn’t talk to me for a week.

Nald talked to him telling her that he would marry me, and my mom told him… kung libog lang yan, wag mo ng pakasalanan anak ko. kaya kong buhayin yan pati magiging anak niyo.

He cried and told my mom that he loves me and will take full responsibility for our actions.

The wedding was prepared. We married at Malate Church on April 18, 1995. Nald even wept. I said some blunders on the altar. I even told him, don’t cry… isipin naman nila pinikot kita… sabi niya, kasi ngayon ko lang nakita Daddy mo na naiyak… and my dad was indeed crying.

We stayed in their house for a while. but everyday, i’d still go home to my mom… i couldn’t stand it there. I’d just go home when Nald is home.. We continued our studies since it was our last year… we were graduating… i went to school pregnant. I just took a leave when i gave birth, just in time for sembreak. I even graduated with Academic Distinction, if it weren’t for the line of 7 i got in Taxation, i would’ve graduated Cum Laude.

I had Anea on October 18, 1995… i had a difficult delivery coz she wouldn’t want to come out… i was induced for 2 days to no avail… i had an xray, and they saw that my pelvic bones wouldn’t budge… so i was on Cesarian operation. i gave birth in a public hospital near our house in a ward. That time, you wouldn’t imagine how filthy and dirty everything was… but i endured.

Nald took care of me… and our baby… i stayed in my mom’s house.

There was a lot that happened after that. A lot of heartaches… I do not recall everything, or I just choose not to remember anymore. They involve women, and everything in between… There were issues of irresponsibilities and attitude and physical abuse.

The one time that really struck me was Marika… i even met her, even talked to her and almost begged her to stop seeing Nald. Nald has loved her and wanted to leave me for her. I tried winning him back for 2 months and then I gave up. I started going out, meeting new people. I guess he noticed this and realized that I could do the things he was also doing and he came back… I wouldn’t want to but my father got in the way.

Everytime we would fight a major fight and get back together, we’d have a baby. Dale (December 17, 1998) and Tony (January 17, 2001) were the fruits of my prayers that ah… He’s gonna change coz God is giving me this baby… You see, we didn’t have any birth control that really stuck with us for good… i was on the pill sometimes, but didn’t get pregnant.

i even thought that maybe Dale’s condition can tighten our bonds together… but he’s still in denial over my son’s condition…

Change was elusive… i began thinking that maybe this was all my fault… i even doubted my abilities in bed. I thought, if i were just as experienced as all the women he was dating, maybe I could satisfy him better.

I don’t know what happened to us… it was just blurs of the past.

We even tried living in an apartment together… but we fought again… and this time, I was physically hurt. I had to leave the house.

We got back together, but not living together… I stayed in my parent’s house and he stayed in the apartment… he’s there until now. He’d just come here from time to time… check on the kids and me, sometimes sleep over…

That’s the set-up until now… it’s more than 2 years now since i left the apartment…

He’s starting to change, i know… I can see the changes now… it might’ve taken him 15 years to realize it… it might’ve taken this disease to make him see… he’s now cautious of how i feel… he’s now becoming more responsible, not only to his kids but to me in his own little way.

I am not going to say that everything was his fault. Every relationship requires two people. I had a lot of mistakes along the way… in a way, i have gotten ‘revenge’ over what he did to me… though ‘revenge’ is not the right word for them.

I am not sure if this relationship will endure… that our first promise of ‘four-ever’ will ever be that.

I am sure of one thing, though. Not everything is about us. There are 3 wonderful kids in between that’s holding us together, whatever other people say, our kids come first, and us last. That’s how it will always be.

There were a lot of lessons learned. But as everyone now knows, it’s stupid to get married for all the wrong reasons… but finding out good reasons to stay together is much better.

It is not important to dwell in the past now… but look into the future… even if it meant you wasted 15 years of your time getting ready for a new start.

Life is an adventure. Death is another one.

I think my life has yet to start.

p.s.
he’s cooking dinner for the whole family on August 4.

ayoko na ba?

{ April 16, 2006 @ 6:29 am } · { favorites, love, pain, ronald }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

ito ang isang tanong na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko masagot ng tama.

ayoko na ba?

ang totoo niyan, ewan. ito siguro ang pinaka-honest na sagot na mabibigay ko. sa karamihan, napaka-tanga ko na.

ang mga madalas kong naririnig:

ewan ko sayo!

bahala ka… tagal ko ng sinasabi sayo, di na magbabago ang asawa mo.

o, kitam? di kinain mo rin sinabi mo. may pa-people-change people change ka pa dyan.

marami na sa mga kaibigan at kapamilya ang nagpapamukha sa akin ng katangahan ko. maitatanong niyo, ganun ba siya kasama?

hm.

hindi naman. eto, totoo.

hindi naman siguro siya kasingsama ng mga asawang pastym ang mambugbog ng asawa, o magsugal, o maglasing, o magsugal, o magdroga.

hindi naman siya nagnanakaw, o pumapatay.

pero, hindi ako masaya. lagi na lang akong hindi masaya. madalas naiisip ko, ako na ata ang may problema.

sabi nga nila, ang hirap kasi niyan, pareho kayong matalino… kaya ayan! ang tataas ng pride niyo… lagi kayong nagpapatalbugan… sinong mas magaling na magulang kanino? sinong mas maraming nabibili? puro kayo payabangan.

totoo din yun.

ako, kaya lang naman ganun, dahil sa mga naririnig ko, lalo na sa nanay niya… sa mga bintang niya sa kin, sa mga sinasabi niyang wala naman akong nagagawa.

isa siguro sa mga masakit na sinabi niya sa kin ay eto:

puro ka yabang, wala naman. asan ka na ngayon?

nandito.

kung mayabang ako, ni hindi na sana kita kinakausap sa telepono. e di sana, hindi na ako humihingi sa yo ng tulong.

bakit ba ako nagagalit? hindi ko rin alam… siguro dahil hindi siya yung taong para sa kin… pero, alam ko naman… tanggap ko…

sinong gago ang papatol pa sa gaya ko?

hello!

31 na ko.
tatlo na anak, special pa yung isa.
di na ko pwedeng magka-anak.
di ako maganda.
di ako sexy.
di ako flawless.

wala na talaga. at iilan pa lang yan sa mga pangit na katangian ko.

pero naisip ko rin, parang okay na lang ang mag-isa, kesa sa mabuhay ng malungkot… laging may galit sa puso… laging may duda sa isipan…

hanggang kelan ba ako ganito?

ang gusto ko lang naman, isang tao na:

~ makikinig sa kin ng totoo, yung hindi nagkukunwari.
~ yung irerespeto ako
~ yung hindi gagawin yung ayaw ko
~ yung mahilig magbasa, para may makausap ako
~ yung responsable at hindi ko na kailangang isipin kung may kakainin pa bukas, bayad na ba kuryente, PLDT, MWSS, credit cards… kasi siya yung nagiisip nun para sa kin
~ yung yayayain akong manood ng sine tuwing may bagong palabas
~ yung dadalhin ako sa boulevard para lang makita ang paglubog ng araw
~ yung hindi mahihiyang hawakan ang kamay ko pag naglalakad kami
~ yung susuportahan ang napili kong propesyon
~ yung kasama ko laging magsimba
~ yung sasama sa kin, kahit san ako tumira
~ yung ipaglalaban ako sa pamilya niya
~ yung may pakialam sa mga anak niya
~ yung sasama sa lahat ng tagumpay at kasawian naming magiina.
~ yung hindi ako sasaktan at pagbubuhatan ng kamay
~ yung hindi titingin sa ibang babae lalo na’t kaharap ako
~ yung hindi ipamumukha sa kin na may isang babaeng tumutulong sa kanyang magbago, at hindi ako yun (sobrang napakawalang silbi ko naman pala talaga)
~ at lalo na, yung hindi sex ang laging nasa isip. na gagawin akong parausan. everytime.

leche.

meron pa bang ganitong lalake ngayon? alam ko meron. pero hindi siya yung pinakasalan ko. hindi siya yung nakilala ko. hindi siya yung nagkagusto sa kin. hindi siya yung nagsabi ng I LOVE YOU. hindi siya yung nagbigay sa kin ng mga anak.

hay…. taena.

ano bang klaseng buhay ang napuntahan ko? para na lang akong sirang plaka. on. off. laging ganito… paikot-ikot… hilong-hilo na ko…

bakit ba mahirap sa kin ang magdesisyon? kasi hindi lang ako nagdedesisyon ng para sa sarili ko lang… may tatlo pang taong maaapektuhan… silang hindi makakapagdesisyon para sa sarili nila…

kung naging maayos lang sana siyang kausap… yung tuwing aayaw ka, hindi niya iisipin, kasi may lalake ako… na hindi na naman daw bago…

ang lakas din naman ng tama mo!!!! ano’ng feeling mo? hindi ako pwedeng umayaw ng dahil lang sa ayoko na??? dahil sa ugali mo? dapat ba laging may third party?

ganito ba lahat ng lalake? kasi kung ganito sila lahat magisip, ayoko na talagang mainlove ever!

masaya naman ako ng walang lalake no… at bakit hindi? may mga anak akong nagpapasaya sa kin… sa ngayon, sila lang ang buhay ko… sila lang ang nagdudulot ng ngiti sa kin… sa lahat ng hirap na dinanas ko, sa lahat ng pagod… isang ngiti lang nila, napapawi lahat. naglalahong parang bula.

siguro, dito talaga lamang ang mga babae kesa sa lalake… ang ability na maging masaya kahit wala sila.

hay…

kung tatanungin mo ko ulit…

ayoko na ba?

ewan pa rin ang isasagot ko.

ayoko na ba?

{ April 16, 2006 @ 6:29 am } · { favorites, love, pain, ronald }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

ito ang isang tanong na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko masagot ng tama.

ayoko na ba?

ang totoo niyan, ewan. ito siguro ang pinaka-honest na sagot na mabibigay ko. sa karamihan, napaka-tanga ko na.

ang mga madalas kong naririnig:

ewan ko sayo!

bahala ka… tagal ko ng sinasabi sayo, di na magbabago ang asawa mo.

o, kitam? di kinain mo rin sinabi mo. may pa-people-change people change ka pa dyan.

marami na sa mga kaibigan at kapamilya ang nagpapamukha sa akin ng katangahan ko. maitatanong niyo, ganun ba siya kasama?

hm.

hindi naman. eto, totoo.

hindi naman siguro siya kasingsama ng mga asawang pastym ang mambugbog ng asawa, o magsugal, o maglasing, o magsugal, o magdroga.

hindi naman siya nagnanakaw, o pumapatay.

pero, hindi ako masaya. lagi na lang akong hindi masaya. madalas naiisip ko, ako na ata ang may problema.

sabi nga nila, ang hirap kasi niyan, pareho kayong matalino… kaya ayan! ang tataas ng pride niyo… lagi kayong nagpapatalbugan… sinong mas magaling na magulang kanino? sinong mas maraming nabibili? puro kayo payabangan.

totoo din yun.

ako, kaya lang naman ganun, dahil sa mga naririnig ko, lalo na sa nanay niya… sa mga bintang niya sa kin, sa mga sinasabi niyang wala naman akong nagagawa.

isa siguro sa mga masakit na sinabi niya sa kin ay eto:

puro ka yabang, wala naman. asan ka na ngayon?

nandito.

kung mayabang ako, ni hindi na sana kita kinakausap sa telepono. e di sana, hindi na ako humihingi sa yo ng tulong.

bakit ba ako nagagalit? hindi ko rin alam… siguro dahil hindi siya yung taong para sa kin… pero, alam ko naman… tanggap ko…

sinong gago ang papatol pa sa gaya ko?

hello!

31 na ko.
tatlo na anak, special pa yung isa.
di na ko pwedeng magka-anak.
di ako maganda.
di ako sexy.
di ako flawless.

wala na talaga. at iilan pa lang yan sa mga pangit na katangian ko.

pero naisip ko rin, parang okay na lang ang mag-isa, kesa sa mabuhay ng malungkot… laging may galit sa puso… laging may duda sa isipan…

hanggang kelan ba ako ganito?

ang gusto ko lang naman, isang tao na:

~ makikinig sa kin ng totoo, yung hindi nagkukunwari.
~ yung irerespeto ako
~ yung hindi gagawin yung ayaw ko
~ yung mahilig magbasa, para may makausap ako
~ yung responsable at hindi ko na kailangang isipin kung may kakainin pa bukas, bayad na ba kuryente, PLDT, MWSS, credit cards… kasi siya yung nagiisip nun para sa kin
~ yung yayayain akong manood ng sine tuwing may bagong palabas
~ yung dadalhin ako sa boulevard para lang makita ang paglubog ng araw
~ yung hindi mahihiyang hawakan ang kamay ko pag naglalakad kami
~ yung susuportahan ang napili kong propesyon
~ yung kasama ko laging magsimba
~ yung sasama sa kin, kahit san ako tumira
~ yung ipaglalaban ako sa pamilya niya
~ yung may pakialam sa mga anak niya
~ yung sasama sa lahat ng tagumpay at kasawian naming magiina.
~ yung hindi ako sasaktan at pagbubuhatan ng kamay
~ yung hindi titingin sa ibang babae lalo na’t kaharap ako
~ yung hindi ipamumukha sa kin na may isang babaeng tumutulong sa kanyang magbago, at hindi ako yun (sobrang napakawalang silbi ko naman pala talaga)
~ at lalo na, yung hindi sex ang laging nasa isip. na gagawin akong parausan. everytime.

leche.

meron pa bang ganitong lalake ngayon? alam ko meron. pero hindi siya yung pinakasalan ko. hindi siya yung nakilala ko. hindi siya yung nagkagusto sa kin. hindi siya yung nagsabi ng I LOVE YOU. hindi siya yung nagbigay sa kin ng mga anak.

hay…. taena.

ano bang klaseng buhay ang napuntahan ko? para na lang akong sirang plaka. on. off. laging ganito… paikot-ikot… hilong-hilo na ko…

bakit ba mahirap sa kin ang magdesisyon? kasi hindi lang ako nagdedesisyon ng para sa sarili ko lang… may tatlo pang taong maaapektuhan… silang hindi makakapagdesisyon para sa sarili nila…

kung naging maayos lang sana siyang kausap… yung tuwing aayaw ka, hindi niya iisipin, kasi may lalake ako… na hindi na naman daw bago…

ang lakas din naman ng tama mo!!!! ano’ng feeling mo? hindi ako pwedeng umayaw ng dahil lang sa ayoko na??? dahil sa ugali mo? dapat ba laging may third party?

ganito ba lahat ng lalake? kasi kung ganito sila lahat magisip, ayoko na talagang mainlove ever!

masaya naman ako ng walang lalake no… at bakit hindi? may mga anak akong nagpapasaya sa kin… sa ngayon, sila lang ang buhay ko… sila lang ang nagdudulot ng ngiti sa kin… sa lahat ng hirap na dinanas ko, sa lahat ng pagod… isang ngiti lang nila, napapawi lahat. naglalahong parang bula.

siguro, dito talaga lamang ang mga babae kesa sa lalake… ang ability na maging masaya kahit wala sila.

hay…

kung tatanungin mo ko ulit…

ayoko na ba?

ewan pa rin ang isasagot ko.

i’m sorry.

{ November 1, 2005 @ 2:09 pm } · { anonymous, favorites, love }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

i’m sorry…
i didn’t think that i would fall…
i didn’t think that i couldn’t control…

i think…
i lost a friend in you…
it was a stupid thing to do…

thank you…
for putting up with everything…
for always understanding…

i guess…
nothing will ever be the same…
that i couldn’t even bear hearing your name…

i’ll miss you…
everytime that i try to look away…
that i try not to cry everyday…

remember…
that I LOVE YOU and will forever be…
thankful for the moments you’ve shared with me.

Looking at an empty station

{ October 20, 2005 @ 8:28 pm } · { friends, love }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Mai is gonna be transferred to voice. Peel Here will be disbanded. How sad.

Mai and I has been together for two years now. We became closer when we transferred to the Email Team. Coming to the office everyday, and not being with her will be difficult. Of course, Anne will still be there… but it’s not the same.

Sino na lang ang katabi ko sa kanan? It will be sad to look at an empty workstation.

At least we still get to share the same locker… at least we could still see each other… but still…

Mawawalan na ako lalo ng ganang magtrabaho… promise.

I hope that everything goes well with her ‘new’ adventure.

Yes, Mai, ako na ang magpapaduplicate. Siyet.

=========

Ang sakit na ng lalamunan ko sa kakaubo, at ng ilong ko sa kakasinghot…

Sana mahawa kayong lahat!!!!

Hehehe… Joke.

=========

Eto, tanong lang…

Mabait naman ako…. May utak naman ako kahit pano… Di naman ako (gulp) panget…

Tangina!!! Bakit walang nagmamahal sa kin????

Bakeeeeeeeet?!!!!

Dahil ba sa hindi na ko virgin? Bakit, meron pa bang virgin ngayon na kasing edad ko? Ha?!
Dahil ba sa hindi na ko sexy? Kaya nga pinanganak si Vicky Belo eh.
Dahil ba sa may asawa na ko? OO NGA PALA!!! KASAL PA PALA AKO NO?

Syet, i forgot about that.

Well, anyway, ano naman ang aayawan mo sa kin, lalo na kung baog ka? May instant family ka agad pag ako ang pinili mo. Tatlo agad anak mo. Ang ku-kyut pa. Libre masahe pag pagod ka. Libre din ang masahe pag gusto mong mapagod.

San ka pa???

Hehehe…. Yun po hindi na joke.

sa mga araw na hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo

{ April 20, 2005 @ 6:05 pm } · { favorites, love, pain, ronald }
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syempre pa… malungkot na naman ako… lagi naman eh… nagtext ng nagtext sa akin ang asawa ko… hindi ko siya masagot dahil nasa guard ang celfones namin… marami siyang sinabi na hindi ko alam kung magagalit ako… matatawa… o iiyak…

nagsimula yun nung April 18. 10th year wedding anniversary namin yun… hinintay ko buong araw na magtext siya sa kin… not to greet me… kahit man lang i-acknowledge niya what day it was…

when i woke up, there were missed calls registered, but no text messages.

i waited.

nothing.

then he texted. asked me what time should he suppose to pick me up since there was an ongoing ’strike’.

when we were on our way home… he still said nothing.

when i was at home, i texted him this:

i waited for u all day not to greet me… but just to acknowledge what day it was… c? even you don’t give a damn.

tapos tumawag siya… nagexplain… hindi raw niya nakalimutan… in fact tinatawagan pa nga raw niya ako nung morning…

sympre hindi ako naniwala… sabi ko sa kanya it doesn’t matter…. ano ba naman yung 10th year anniversary? hindi naman ako naging masaya sa buong 10 years.

nagalit syempre.

the next day he texted me this:

just want to let u know na di ko nakalimutan. God knows.

pasensya. hindi ako naniniwala na alam ng Dyos ang lahat. kung alam niya eh bakit pa tayo nagdarasal?

ngayon, kung ano-ano na naman ang nabasa ko… can’t he just leave me alone? can’t he see that i am so lonely with him?

i know.. kasalanan ko to… it always have been… im stupid. STUPID.

mom and pop will be leaving on Friday… nagdinner kami ni mama at ng friends niya kahapon… we ate at Ebun… sabi ng tita ko, kawawa naman daw ako at wala na akong mommy… iiyak daw ako…

yes. i will. i will cry buckets of tears. as i always do since i knew that they will be leaving…. but what can i do? kelangan eh. mas gusto ko na rin na umalis sila dito… kesa andito sila at namomroblema… i just wish them well…

i wish them happiness.

Micah texted me today, that she saw turtle earrings sa San Pablo… and she asked for my mailing address…. i thought this was so sweet of her… i know she’s been reading this… just want to thank you…

at least u have a glimpse of what’s troubling me… that’s why i told you that you made my day.. sobra.

Anubis–salamat din ng marami… salamat sa release… salamat sa oras… salamat sa pagbabasa ng IM ko… salamat sa pagbabasa ng iniisip ko… salamat sa ‘hah!’… salamat talaga…

and remember: silence will get u nowhere.

Mai–salamat din kasi u always put up with me… alam ko minsan naaasar ka na… pero wala akong paki, aasarin pa rin kita… alam ko namang mahal mo ko eh… at kaya mo akong pagtyagaan…

Anne–thanks for being a sweet kid.

Erika–thanks for being nice, and remembering to send me a message when the date changes.

salamat sa inyong lahat. dahil sa inyo, i survived the day.

isang sulat na puno ng sumbat

{ April 9, 2005 @ 5:29 pm } · { favorites, love, pain, ronald }
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bakit hindi na ako masaya? bakit hindi ko na kayang halikan ka? ano bang nangyari sa ating dalawa?

gusto kong kalimutan lahat, pero ayaw maalis sa utak ko yung mga imahe ng nakaraan. ayaw maalis yung sakit, yung yamot. at nadadagdagan pa, kasi hindi ko nakikita yung effort. wala akong nakikitang magandang ginagawa mo. kung meron man, it comes and goes swiftly. walang continuance. walang follow-up.

siguro, i’m blinded by hatred and pain.

tuwing umuuwi ka sa bahay, ang lagi ko lang naiisip, gusto mo lang dun, kasi gusto mong magparaos. ang sama ko di ba? pero yun talaga nararamdaman ko. kasi tuwing andun ka, hindi mo naman ako kinakausap ng tipikal na “how was your day?” hindi ko nararamdaman na gusto mo lang umuwi kasi gusto mo kaming makita, o makasama.

hindi ko narinig ni minsan na tanungin mo sa kin kung may kailangan ba ang mga bata. hindi mo rin kinakamusta kung may gatas pa ba si Letku. Hindi mo tinatanong kung may development ba kay Kuya. Hindi mo tinatanong kung nagawa na lahat ni Bochog yung assignment niya. kahit man lang sa tanong, makita ko, maramdaman ko na concerned ka sa min, hindi lang sa puson mo. hindi mo ba naiintindihan, na minsan kapag niyayakap kita, kelangan ko lang ng yakap na sukli? hindi ko kailangan ang ano pa mang mas matindi sa yakap.

hindi ko na naririnig na sabihin mong mahal ko ako. ni hindi mo na naiisip na uwian ako ng croissant pag nagmi-meeting kayo sa head office. hindi mo na rin ako tinetext dahil wala lang, naisip mo lang. hindi mo na rin ako nililibre ng sine, kasi sabi mo sayang ang pera. hindi mo ako sinasamahang mag-simba o mamili. hindi mo na ko sinasama sa palengke. hindi mo na ko sinusubuan kapag kumakain. hindi mo na ako pinagluluto ng fish fillet. hindi mo na ako binibigyan ng sulat.

kung may kailangan ako o ang mga bata, lagi na lang wala kang pera. pero kung may kailangan sa kotse mo, minsan kahit hindi kailangan, kaya mong i-swipe ang credit card mo.

tapos tatanungin mo ko, meron ba akong ginagawa para sa mga bata na hindi mo rin ginagawa? hindi kita sinagot noon. kasi iniisip ko, kung hindi mo alam ang sagot sa tanong mo, malamang wala akong kwentang ina.

hindi ko alam kung gumagawa ka rin ng project ni Bochog sa school, kasi sa pagkakaalam ko, ako ang gumagawa. Hindi ko alam kung tinuturuan mong magsulat si Letku, kasi sa pagkakaalam ko, hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin siya marunong. hindi ko alam kung pumupunta ka sa mga PTA meetings ng mga bata, kasi tuwing andun ako, hindi kita makita. hindi ko alam kung binibili mo sila ng bagong damit o sapatos, kasi puro na lang yung mga binili ko ang sinusuot nila. hindi ko alam kung bumibili ka ng gatas, kasi tuwing nasa inyo si Letku, humihingi pa siya sa bahay. hindi ko alam kung dinadala mo sila sa doktor para magpa-check-up kasi ang alam ko, ako ang kasama nila. hindi ko alam kung tinatanong mo ako kung kailangan ko ng pera pambili ng mga baon ng mga bata, kasi wala akong naririnig. marami akong hindi alam na ginagawa mo, pero alam ko na ginagawa ko.

pero bakit ko nga ba isusumbat sa yo lahat yun, eh responsibilidad ko rin yun bilang nanay nila?

bakit ko nga ba dapat ikumapara ang relationship natin sa ibang happy couple eh iba-iba naman ang tao?

siguro kasi, sawa na akong maging malungkot. hindi ko alam. hindi ko na talaga alam.

madali lang naman akong pasayahin. hindi ko naman hinihingi ang langit at lupa. ang gusto ko lang, ibalik mo yung lalaking nakilala ko noon. yung lalaking kausap ko sa telepono ng apat na oras, kahit siya lang ang nagsasalita at tahimik lang ako. yung lalaking nagiisip pa ng joke para lang marining niya akong tumawa. yung lalaking nagpapaalam pa kapag lalabas kasama ng mga kaibigan niya. yung lalaking hindi sasama sa lakad na yun kung hindi ako papayag.

Sa April 18, sampung taon na tayong kasal. Sa August 4, 14 years na tayong magkasama as one. matagal na tayo. hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko pa kakayanin na maging kasama mo.

isa lang ang sigurado ako, i am trying. HARD. I hope you know that.

hindi ko na hiling ang pera, hindi ko na hiling na makasama ka sa iisang bubong. hinihiling ko na lang, ibalik mo sa kin yung dapat na akin. kasi hindi akin yung bagong ikaw. hindi siya ang minahal ko. kung san mo man siya tinago, please lang pakibalik mo na siya sa kin. dahil naging malungkot ang buhay ko nung nawala siya.

kung meron mang mga lalakeng magbabasa nito, isa itong message in disguise. please don’t take ur women for granted. wag kayong magbago. wag niyong baguhin porket kasal na kayo.

wag kayong mambabae at iisipin na kasalanan namin kasi hindi na kami sexy. eh, puta, kayo ba sa tingin niyo sexy pa? please lang. pinagtyatyagaan na lang din namin kayo.

tsaka wag niyong ipagpalit ang asawa niyo sa kotse. what’s with men and cars? Fuck that. sa sobrang pagmamahal ninyo sa kotse niyo, pag kayo nagaway ng misis niyo, masasabi na lang niya na sana mabangga ka.

at kung pwede, kapag hinihiwalayan kayo ng asawa niyo, wag na kayong mambintang. wag ng isipin na hindi kayo pwedeng hiwalayan just because we fell out of love. wag ng isipin na siguradong may third party. in other words, wag niyo kaming igaya sa inyo. ang mga babae, made of a thicker shell.

you know what you should do? you should not waste your time thinking negative things and hurling accusations at us… waste your time changing for the better and making us see that you are worth keeping. tigilan ang pagdududa. puro kayo duda pero kayo naman ang nambababae.

and please, NEVER look at another woman lalo na kung kasama ninyo misis nyo. your sideway glance na kunwari may tinitingnan kayong iba does not work. malakas ang radar namin.

and don’t give us that “sa amin walang mawawala” crap. puta, that’s too old school. sa inyo pa lang nawala na, naibigay na namin. sa inyo ang may nawawala na dapat ay sa amin napupunta, nilalabas niyo kasi sa iba.

at higit sa lahat, wag na wag ninyong pagbuhatan ng kamay ang misis nyo. kahit humupa ang pasa, kahit maghilom ang sugat… hindi maaalis ang sakit.

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