my Dad sends me some funny stuff via email from time to time and i have been keeping it… i wanna post em here, one, for extra storage. and two, for Augee, mainly, to smile even for a while. =)
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The Pharmacist
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said,
” Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in jail and I’ll lose my license.”
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
“Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
Girls’ Night Out
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just
stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!!
Now everyone’s attention is focused on me and the guy is egging me on
to try to top the, $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet . . .
What could I do????
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
LEGLESS PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ” Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”
“Oh yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is nobody wants me ’cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!”
The customer offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, ” Psssssssssssst!” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.
“When the postman delivered the mail today your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.”
“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.
“Oh, no!,” he exclaims. “Then what?”
“Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….”
“WELL,” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
TRAIN CRASH
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.
Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger. “
St. Peter says, “Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and
stroked one.”
St. Peter says “OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate.”
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the
front of the line.
St. Peter says “Madeline! What seem to be the rush?”
The girl replies “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”
85-YEAR OLD MAN
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, and no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”
HaHa – What were you thinking?
ANOTHER GOD JOKE
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MISCOMMUNICATION!
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “Darling, I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn’t paid their last bill: “Are you Mrs. Smith?
You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the man from the electric company.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files?????”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.” That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
“What’s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the clerk, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us.”
“PAY you? and if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”
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FUNNY
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
“I haven’t eaten anything for days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
baldhead and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.
Bumper Stickers
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes—use birth control.
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace… Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
O’Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats… they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free… Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Montana—At least our cows are sane!
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt—in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
No radio—Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to “stuff it”—I’m a taxidermist.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!”… till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can’t hurt you… unless you fall off.
We’re not in jail, and I’m not your bitch, so get off my ass!
How To Respond To Pickup Lines
“Haven’t we met before?”
“Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”
“Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
“Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
“Is this seat empty?”
“Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
“So, wanna go back to my place?”
“Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”
“Your place or mine?”
“Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
“I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book.”
“But I don’t know your name.”
“That’s in the phone book too.”
“So what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a female impersonator.”
“What sign were you born under?”
“No Parking.”
“Hey, baby, What’s your sign?”
“Stop.”
“How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
“Unfertilized!”
“I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.”
“You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?”
“I know how to please a woman.”
“Then please leave me alone.”
“I want to give myself to you.”
“Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
“I can tell that you want me.”
“Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you… to leave.”
“If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
“Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”
“Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
“Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”
“May I see you pretty soon?”
“Why? Don’t you think I’m pretty now?”
“Your body is like a temple.”
“Sorry, there are no services today.”
“I’d go through anything for you.”
“Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
“I would go to the end of the world for you.”
“Yes, but would you stay there?”
The Shit List
Ghost Shit
The kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit
The kind of shit where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but when you wipe your ass there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit
The kind of shit where you wipe your ass so many times, and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper up your asshole so you will not ruin your underwear with a nasty shit stain.
2nd Wave Shit
This happens when you are done shitting, pulled up your pants to your waist, and you have to shit some more.
Pop-a-Vein-in-Your-Head Shit
The kind of shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit where it is so huge you are affraid to flush it without breaking it into small pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Shit
The kind of shit so noisy, everyone in hearing range is giggling.
The Dangling Shit
The kind of shit that refuses to drop even though you are done shitting. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have in the morning after a long night of drinking; the most noticible trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet bowl.
Corn Shit
(Self Explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit
The kind of shit where you want to shit so bad, but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit
That is where it hurts so badly you could swear it was leaving your body sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit (Power Dump)
The kind of shit that comes out so fast your ass gets splashed with water.
Mexican Shit
The kind of shit that smells so bad your nose hairs burn off.
Upper Class Shit
The kind of shit that comes out perfectly: doesn’t touch the bottom of the toilet, doesn’t smell, and defies all laws of shitting.
Liquid Shit
The kind of shit where the yellow-brownish liquid shoots out of your asshole and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
The Never-ending Shit
The kind of shit that you feel it come out, look into the toilet bowl, see the beginning, but never see the end.
Five-Alarm-Fire Shit
This is when you take a Liquid Shit and it burns you asshole so badly that you want to take a 50 foot lawn hose, put it on full power and shove it all the way up your ass.
The Surprise Shit
That is when you are not even at the toilet because you are sure that you have to fart, but oops … a piece of shit.
LORD, I’M A POOR MAN
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
“Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the river. I need it to make my living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,
and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with
Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with
my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason,
and for the benefit of others.
That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
KINDS OF BREASTS
A family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question? The father says ask away. The young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a Woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kind of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.
FUNERAL PROCESSION
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”
Oh, yes. Isang usapin na hindi magandang pakinggan sa iba, pero com’on… reality is, lahat ng grown-ups merong bulbol… er.. except sa mga medyo pinagpala ng Diyos.
